How women are using drastic haircuts to leave controlling relationships

Justice, a mother in Portland, Oregon, says that her previous marriage was perfect only to the outside world. “He was the All-American college football hero with a busy work schedule and dozens of lifelong friends,” they say. “But behind closed doors, my story was not unlike those you see on Dateline.” Her ex-husband wouldn’t buy groceries for the family unless they dressed up and did her hair, which was thick and long at the time, and she found looking her best would often assuage his anger. Until it didn’t. “The day of the incident, he threatened me with extreme physical abuse, so I was terrified and needed him to leave me alone,” they say. “I felt I had no other choice but to cut my long hair off with a pair of craft scissors.” When Justice handed her ex-husband the chunks of hair, they say he looked at her with disgust and left the room. “Days after the incident, I went to a salon and asked for a Willy Wonka cut. I did it as a survival tactic,” she says. “For a time, my haircut made me safe.”

According to Nicole Branca, executive director at New Destiny Housing, abusers seek to control their victims in every way they can, including physical appearance. “Financial and emotional abuse often go hand in hand with exerting control over a survivor’s appearance,” she says. “Abusers may only allow them to buy certain clothes and make-up, or force them to keep up a particular appearance, even if it makes them deeply uncomfortable.” While leaving or after having just left an abusive relationship, many people opt to make drastic hair changes, like shaving their heads to escape being a “trad wife” or dying their hair hot pink. For Justice, their Willy Wonka cut gave her “the strength and time” to make an exit plan. In December 2023, they moved states and got a divorce. “My life now consists of baby steps,” she says. “My hair is growing, and so am I (I will keep it short for now because baby steps.)”

@jills_not_tumbling_after ymmv, but using their appearance biases to repel them is a thing, and it works. #narctok #exitplan #hoovering ♬ original sound – Jai Howitt

It’s worth noting that any form of self-expression that goes against an abuser can then be met with violence, which is why Branca urges survivors to make their own safety the highest priority when creating an escape plan. “We encourage people who are in abusive relationships to do what they must to survive, even if that means temporarily presenting themselves in a way that isn’t authentic to who they are,” she says. “Once they have escaped and found a new home where they can live freely, they’ll be able to start doing their hair and dressing in the way that feels most comfortable to them.”

Still, for Lee in Texas, hair was the starting point for leaving a cheating, controlling ex-partner with a substance abuse disorder. “I went from black hair to the middle of my back to a hot pink and purple side-shaved, bob-like style,” she says. “I changed it because I needed the hair he preferred off of me immediately. I was tired of accommodating him in any way, and I hoped it would make him less attracted to me since it was so different.” 

Lee says her ex-partner hated her new hair until some of his friends from work said they liked it, so she shaved her head six months later. “I had always wanted to try the style, and it was my last ditch effort to repulse him, and it worked,” she says. Over three years later, Lee has grown her hair out and dyed it black again. “I do have to remind myself sometimes it’s ok to like my hair this way,” she says.

I went from black hair to the middle of my back to a hot pink and purple side-shaved, bob-like style. I changed it because I needed the hair he preferred off of me immediately

The after-effects of experiencing physical control can rob many people of a sense of identity. Consuelo Rodriguez, a stylist and survivor of intimate partner violence, helps women to reconnect and rediscover their beauty in whatever way that feels right to them. “Abuse robs us of so much, but one of the biggest things it takes away is our self-esteem,” she says. “There is no doubt that abusers use our looks to control us, so we should celebrate survivors taking back control of their lives through their outward appearance, whether that’s cutting their hair, dressing differently, or anything in between.”

Alongside hair changes, Marilyn, in Washington state (whose name has been changed for the sake of anonymity), says they fought with her ex-husband over tattoos, piercings, and anything to do with her appearance. “He was never happy about me changing my hair or appearance in general,” they say. “But hair is incredibly powerful; they say it holds memories, and I think so many of us truly feel that it’s a way to regain our bodily autonomy.” Two weeks after Marilyn’s ex-husband moved out, she shaved the sides of her head. They’ve since cut it into a bob, grown it past her shoulders, and then opted for a short shag mullet with split dye bangs. “It has not been left long nor red since that wedding day,” she says. “I love never having to ask permission for anything. I am my own person, finally.”

For artist and astrologer Toni Tiller, a buzzcut that started as an attempt to repel an older, undermining, and negging ex-partner has become their permanent style. “The future arrived as a gorgeous summer day on my front porch with a pair of clippers and the singular thought of ‘fuck that guy, I hope he never wants to touch me again after this,’” they say. It took six months to a year until he was booted for good, but then he stalked them and tried to hack their social media accounts for two more years (before they threatened to go to the cops). For Tiller, shaving their head signalled a decentralization of both the relationship and men in general. “It’s been ten years, and I am still bald, with an upcoming appointment with a tattoo artist to get my head tattooed full of snakes,” they say. “Why get a Medusa tattoo when you can just become a Medusa yourself, right?”